Security Theater

Welcome to Airport Security Theater! We're your hosts, the TSA and *insert airline here.*

     We see you noted our schedule change: instead of arriving at the airport 2 hours in advance for an international flight, you arrived 4 hours ahead. Good for you!
     Ah, I see you also noticed our little practical joke. That's right! No matter how early you arrive, you can no longer go through customs until your flight number is called - approximately one to two hours before your flight is scheduled to leave. Boy, is there egg on YOUR face!
     But don't worry, your flight will probably be late anyway - delayed somewhere between 30 minutes and 3 hours. We don't like to tell you exactly how delayed it will be, as we feel this adds suspense to the program. "Keep 'em guessing," that's our motto!

So let's review today's performance:
Act I
     We'll welcome you to a long line as you wait to check in. We've disabled all the self-check-in kiosks, to give you more of that face-to-face interaction that you crave during these troubled times. And just to "keep you guessing" we'll frequently call other travelers to the head of the line. These are customers who missed their flights yesterday, because we were calling other travelers to the head of their line! Brilliant comedic tension, no?
     Next, you'll arrive at the head of the line only to find that your tickets have been voided. Although you obviously made it here and you've paid for the ticket, we'll attempt to inject some drama as we note that only your infant (issued a paper ticket) will be able to fly the friendly skies. Bet you're loving that face-to-face interaction now. And don't worry - we'll take good care of your little guy.

Intermission
     Take a break at the far end of the airport at our child play area. After all, you have 2-3 hours to kill until we call your flight number. Maybe. Better get lunch now, since you don't know the next time you'll be able to eat.

Act II
    We've called your flight number! Come on through customs. Hurry up, and join the long slow line. Better make sure your toddler had a potty break beforehand, since there won't be any bathrooms for awhile. And I'm so sorry, but as this is a serious performance we simply can't allow other media to compete for your attentions. So no - your toddler cannot watch a DVD or use her Tag Reader. We are serious about security. (ooh! alliteration!) We'd much rather have your child meltdown, as this will take your mind off how mind-numbing the whole experience is.

Act III
    Congratulations, you've made it through customs and are headed to security. Hope you've got only one small carry-on with "essentials" per passenger, or we'll send you back to the beginning. Think we won't? Talk to that poor sap over there.
     As part of our "interactive" performance model, you, the customer, get to choose which security line to stand in. So many choices! Which one moves the fastest? Refer back to our motto.
     Alas, you've chosen the slowest line. No matter - this gives you more time to observe our procedures. Notice how every single passenger is patted down, and every single bag is manually searched. Since we take security seriously (alliteration! again!) we'll even pat down your toddler and - wait for it - your infant. Because you never can tell who has explosives in their underwear (or diaper). All part of the experience, my friends. And to think, you paid for this! A lot!

Act IV
    After repacking all your bags at security, please sprint down the halls to see if your airplane is still there. Please hurry: we at the airport have a betting pool as to who will miss their flight and I have a lot riding on you. No doubt you've heard that many an airplane left half full yesterday. We did this on purpose so that no matter what you find at the gate, you will look surprised. Again, we like you to feel involved in the performance.
     You made your flight just as boarding began! Good for you! No time to buy food? So sad. Won't be anything on the plane, either.

Act V - The End
     Good news: you may use your DVD player, and your baby food made it through security. Bad news: you and your family must remain seated during the last hour of the flight. We do this to make you feel that we take security seriously (!!) And truly, to thwart terrorism. Everyone knows that terrorists are only sneaky during the last hour of the flight. Additionally, despite the fact that we announce this procedure on all media outlets and at the beginning of the flight, we are confident that this "sit down" procedure will take terrorists by surprise, and that they will certainly comply. After all, we are all in this together. 

Prologue
    I'm not annoyed at any of the employees at the airport. They all did their job beautifully and were polite and helpful. I don't even have a problem with some of the new procedures. My fundamental complaint is the temporary, reactionary nature of the whole thing. They're cracking down now, but why? Is a terrorist attack any more likely during these couple of weeks than in a month or so? Or course not. Most of these horrid flight delays and lines came because people (fliers and employees) didn't know what to expect at the airport from one day to the next.
     If the TSA wants to improve security, then just write it in stone and do it. But first, give the procedures real thought. What's the point of keep us in our seats the last hour of the flight? What's the point of no DVD players in the customs line? Ridiculous things like that. Things that are obviously theatrical and empty.