Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Weaned

It's been a few weeks since Isaac was weaned, and I'd like to think this was a joint decision. I admit, however, that sometimes when he's in the room while I get dressed, he looks at me as if trying to remember something important. (Or he just laughs, which I try not to take personally.)
At any rate, I've had some time to look back on this experience called nursing. Like many women, I've had very mixed feelings about it. So here's my story.

My initial intention with Anna was to exclusively nurse, and pump when needed. So I was delighted when she latched wonderfully, but less delighted by the excruciating pain (which of course went away) and the pressure to be ever present (which didn't go away). Like many newborns, she nursed a lot. But what was unique about our little girl was how little she slept and how much she screamed. It was a battle to get her to sleep, and one that we usually lost. Since I had zero experience with babies, I just assumed the nursing-screaming-cat nap cycle was normal and that it was my fault for not providing (a) more structure, or (b) less structure. In contrast, Jon suggested that a little formula was worth a try in case it was a milk supply issue. I argued that this was highly unlikely, and that breast was best. "Any hint of formula could permanently damage my supply!"

Well, as usual, Jon was right. By her two month appointment, Anna's weight had dropped from the 40th percentile to the 5th. She was barely over eight pounds, and still screaming. The pediatrician didn't seem to think this was a problem, but I did. So we instituted a bottle before bed, and we forked out some dough for a lactation consultant. The bottle was a hit, with Anna consuming 8-10 oz in one sitting, and sleeping much better afterward compared to nursing. The LC was a bust. She looked at the latch (perfect), inquired as to how I was cleaning my pump (fine), and showed me another way to swaddle (still ineffective). She did not inquire as to whether I had experienced engorgement (no), how much I could pump in one session (1/2 to 1 oz, maybe 2 oz if I was lucky), or do a before-and-after weighing (i.e., weigh the baby both before and after nursing to see how much fluid the child consumed). She also did not approve of the night bottle. From this interaction I concluded that I had failed, that I had only imagined the need for a bottle and that Anna would have been fine without it.

Nonetheless, I was exhausted so the night bottle stayed. Interestingly, over the next few months Anna grew fast and furiously, hitting the 80th percentile in both height and weight, and staying there ever since. 

I nursed Anna for 15 months, and during that time concluded that both nursing and using formula was the worst case scenario. Now I had to take time both to nurse and make formula and clean bottles. I also concluded that nursing was simply a horrible chore that moms did purely for the benefit of their children. I was floored by moms who claimed to enjoy breastfeeding. It just didn't compute.


When Isaac was born (new hospital, new pediatrician) I saw the in-house LCs right away. I wanted things to be different but was doubtful they would be. Again the latch was perfect, but again my milk was not coming in. The LCs recommended an herbal supplement + pumping. In the meantime, however, Isaac was beginning to lose weight (not just percentiles) and I could see that the nursing-screaming-cat nap cycle was beginning. So we just jumped in and started supplementing after every feeding. When that happened, I saw something I had never seen before: a look of contentment on a baby's face that showed he was full and happy and ready to sleep. When I saw that, I understood why nursing could be so fulfilling. If I, and I alone, could give my baby that feeling of fullness and contentment... well, who wouldn't want to nurse?!
So we worked hard (herbs, pumping, supplemental nursing systems) and over the next three or four weeks my milk slowly came in. "The girls aren't so floppy," was how I believe my LC put it. By the time Isaac was two months old, we were down to four ounces of formula a day and he was sleeping through the night. But it was not to last. At three months, he hit a growth spurt and I was never able to catch up. After weeks of constant nursing and night wakings I conceded defeat and upped the formula. Much less guilt this time around, though. I feel I did everything I could, without sacrificing my sanity or Isaac's health.

So my children, while I do feel that breastfeeding is extremely valuable, and although I'm sad about those 10 IQ points you've lost and the health problems you are no doubt experiencing, I have to say that formula probably improved your emotional health. Because it surely improved mine.

1 comment:

  1. LOVED this! Yay sharon for your equanimity--no doubt YOUR emotional well-being is ultimately better for those little ones than fulfilling some external notion of motherhood "perfection." And they will STILL be brilliant I know!

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