Jon and I have begun watching episodes of Big Love. If you are not familiar with this HBO series, it is a drama centered around a suburban family. A polygamous family.
When I first heard about this series I was less than interested. I was skeptical of the basic premise: three (more-or-less) modern women voluntarily entering a polygamist relationship? Yah, right. But then I heard an interview with Bill Paxton (alpha male), and the show sounded intriguing. So onto the queue it went.
And the show is intriguing. We're midway into season 2, and I'm beginning to see how this polygamous thing could seem appealing at first.
[disclaimer: I am not advocating polygamy in any way, shape, or form for any and all reasons you can think of. To its credit, the show neatly illustrates why you'd have to believe this was a spiritual calling to enter into such a relationship(s). They portray downsides I hadn't even thought of.]
To get straight to the point, what's appealing is living in community. Not just a get-together-once-a-week community, or an our-kids-play-together community, or even friends that chat on the phone daily, but an acutely proximal community. A community where you live. Right where you live. Imagine having another friend or two that's always around to lend a hand or an ear; dropping into the house next door (without having to call first); having someone around to watch the kids if you need to run an errand; etc. Obviously you don't have to be polygamist to be good friends with your neighbor and feel comfortable with your kids running into each others houses at all hours and/or just dropping in to talk yourself. But it would seem to facilitate this communal freedom.
I've been thinking about community a lot since it occurred to me that I'm lonely. Don't get me wrong. I have friends, near and far, and I appreciate each one of you. But the longest I've ever lived in one place is 7 years, and we've moved twice since then. What I'm missing is those deep friendships that come from staying in one place for a significant amount of time and having a shared history with people. The saddest thing about this is that I'm hardly alone. We're such a mobile society, and although part of this is necessary (good colleges or jobs may be far away), an unintended consequence is the loss of a shared narrative and support structure. Loneliness is only one of the consequences - there are many others. I'm sure you can think of a few.
In lieu of living by The Principle, I hope to stay in one place for a long time. I don't expect, or need a proximal community (maybe it's not even as nice as I imagine), but I would like that deep friendship I've been missing. And I really want the same for my kids.
What about you? Have you reached Leave it to Beaver nirvana? How? Do you even want to?
I think I am lonely too. I have been way lonelier here in Dallas than I was in Connecticut, which came as a shock and a surprise and really threw me for a loop. I was sure that since I had lived here before and knew people that I would have this rich relational life, but it has not shaped up like that. I think a large part of it is me, not the culture here, so I have decided to turn over a new leaf in pursuing friendships after we move this summer.
ReplyDeleteGood for you! Takes a lot of energy though, doesn't it, with two little ones around? I get out of practice when it comes to socializing, and then a week or so goes by and I realize I haven't spoken to anyone outside the house.
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